Getting kids back to good habits

When schools, parks, youth sports and other routine staples abruptly closed last March, most structure vanished, leaving families to pick up the pieces and reimagine their day-to-day routines without leaving home. In the process, kids developed some new habits – some good, but mostly, not so much.

With vaccination rates on the rise in Western New York and state restrictions lifting, Western New York families are en route to some semblance of “back to normal” – and parents are working to undo some of the habits their kids picked up while stuck in the house.

Take Lancaster resident Jennifer Tulumello. With three boys between fifth grade and junior year of high school, Tulumello’s family routine suffered a bit upon the closure of her kids’ schools, she said.

While her oldest son, Vincent, a rising senior at Lancaster High School, participated in hybrid in-person learning, her two younger sons, Dominic, a rising sophomore at Lancaster High School, and Gabe, entering sixth grade at William Street School, did their learning remotely from home.

Tulumello said that Dominic struggled the most during the school year, finding it hard to adjust to the new normal. She added that Gabe was doing fine with going into school until November, when he no longer wanted to because it “felt foreign to him.”

The light at the end of the tunnel was after Memorial Day; schools began reopening, and things “went back to somewhat normal” when Vincent went back to school daily, Tulumello said.

But even though schools have reopened, Tulumello said that returning has been a challenge.

“It’s been kind of a difficult thing,” Tulumello said. “The habits have not been the best throughout Covid. Sleep has been really disturbed. I know some people have been doing really well. My kids haven’t. They’ve been really disrupted.”

Since the kids were not expected in school every day, it was “very difficult to enforce the rules,” Tulumello said.

In the last few months of reacclimating to normal routines, Tulumello has relied on consistency and technological boundaries to get her kids back to sleeping regularly, she said.

“Really, at a young age, it required a lot of self-discipline,” Tulumello said, comparing the routine to that of college students who need to be accountable to work on their own. “When you’re a freshman, sometimes that first year does not always work out that well in college, when you’re 18 years old. So, when you’re a couple years younger, plus you have the stress and anxiety of what’s going on in your community and worldwide with all these changes and things that are being forced upon individuals, it kind of makes things more challenging.”

Meanwhile, East Aurora residents Amy and Nick Hennig made protecting their three young children from the widespread fear Tulumello mentions their top priority this past year.

“I think that you’re building your child’s foundation in these years,” Amy Hennig said. “Three years old, five years old, you are molding your children right now. And for me, it’s just so important that my kids don’t ever feel that kind of anxiety because that’s what us adults do. Kids shouldn’t feel that. That’s for us to worry about. I want my children to have their childhood.”

Hennig said that when schools closed, it was “super rough at first,” and “all routine went out the window” for the first few months, but she and Nick prioritized her three young children’s peace of mind above everything.

The couple worked to do as much reading and writing as possible with their kids: Frank, 5, Nick, 3, and baby Audrey, with whom Hennig was pregnant when the pandemic hit, she said.

“I think for us, what was super important going into this was obviously Nick and I, we wanted to keep our family as safe as possible, but we are also willing, I guess you could say, to take a little bit more risk than some other parents,” Hennig said, “because what was most important to us was trying to keep things as normal and routine for our kids as possible.”

The Hennigs took several hikes and picnics as a family and maintained a small bubble a few weeks after the pandemic’s onset, still seeing Amy Hennig’s parents and their nanny, who also has children.

“For us, keeping that routine of them being able to, after those first few weeks, still being able to go to her house and play with her kids, for my kids, it almost felt like summer vacation came early,” Hennig said.

Hennig added that the couple would talk to their kids about the virus, but in a way of: “The virus is here, but it’s OK. We’re going to be safe, we’re going to wash our hands, we’re going to wear our masks when we need to,” Hennig said, adding that it was important that their children were not scared from it.

“I have friends and family where children were terrified of it because they kind of knew too much,” Hennig said.

Horizon Health Program Director Melissa Walter said she has seen a larger number of children referred for treatment who are presenting symptoms of anxiety and depression.

“Children have started to question what to expect and how to engage with others,” Walter said. “This has naturally contributed to worry thoughts, nervousness, fear, and physiological symptoms of anxiety. Increasing periods of isolation, separation from peers and teachers, lack of structured routine during the day, loss of connection to the community have contributed to symptoms of depression.”

A few towns over, Elma resident Bridget Koch had a similarly instinctual regard for her four children’s happiness throughout Covid. Normally a house with mandated chores and encouraged time in nature, Koch found that when her four mostly teenage children’s sports were brought to a halt, usual routines were replaced with late sleeping and “more chips in the house,” she said.

But instead of cracking down, Koch focused on her kids’ mental health above everything.

“We used to have a set schedule of chores rotating with the kids, and that went out the window,” Koch said. “I just did more of that, took that on, because I just kind of wanted them to be happy.”

At the onset of Covid, Koch remembers being in great personal health, and striving for organized, ideal family routines: she worked out regularly, and felt great until her hip injury last year, prompting her to take sedentary time to rest and recover.

She spoke to the effects of decreased physical activity for not only herself, but also her children, normally avid athletes in everything from lacrosse to swimming.

“I noticed that [the kids] were sleeping a lot later,” Koch said. “Their diet kind of took a turn. I still bring in lots of fruits and vegetables and good meats, but there were also more chips in the house, more chips and dip, for sure.”

Koch joked that her oldest son Max, 19, a freshman at Washington College, participated in “bedroom school” for his first semester of college, unable to attend on campus because of the shutdown.

Meanwhile, her youngest son, Matthew, 10, a rising sixth-grader at Iroquois Middle School, also felt the effects of isolation, unable to socialize with his peers, Koch added.

While the Koch residence would normally never dream of kids eating in their rooms, she joked that she became a “short-order cook who delivered” during quarantine, frequently making foods her children enjoyed and bringing them to their rooms.

“I was pretty strict,” Koch joked, “like, ‘You don’t get your food delivered to you in your bedroom. You don’t get that. And I’m not a short-order cook.’ Those were a couple tenets of mine. But with Covid, those went totally out the door.”

But prioritizing their nurturing and comfort over the old rules, Koch started bringing the menus to her kids’ bedrooms, she said.

“I was making so many different foods and delivering them to bedrooms, and smoothies,” Koch said. “They lost so much, these kids over the last two years, that the little things I could do to make their experience stuck at home a little better were definitely centered around food and nurturing.”

Koch added that some of her kids picked up new skills over the time at home, as well.

Charlotte, 17, a rising senior at Nichols School would normally be studying AP coursework and advanced Mandarin, but during Covid, she began her own innovative clothing repurposing business, B. Divine, where she would design new sweatshirts from old clothes.

Christian, 15, a rising sophomore at Iroquois Central High School picked up cooking, his mother said, learning how to make “a mean steak in a frying pan that would rival any restaurant.”

As the family reacclimates to everyday routines once again, Koch aims to give her four children more structure again.

“I’m excited to have a routine where at least some of them have to get up early and have a direction,” Koch said. “Even if what you’re doing is kind of mundane, at least you have a direction and a goal to maintain every day. That’s going to be our focus.”

Koch has implemented daily goals physically, mentally and socially, she said. For instance, Charlotte is giving up sugar, Christian is focusing on working out and Matthew is aiming to attend his swimming practices and go outside.

“I want them to have a healthy, fairly regular summer,” Koch said. 

How to rebuild kids’ routines

Horizon Health Program Director Melissa Walter shares tips for parents looking to help kids of all ages get back into healthy routines:

How can parents and guardians help children get back into making good choices?

Walter: It can be very beneficial for parents to teach ahead in regards to new expectations or changes. Be concrete with children about what is changing, what new behaviors will be needed, what parents want that to look like, and when it will start. Take them through a step-by step.

Praise and reinforce when children are starting to get it down. Let them know they are doing a great job. Consider small reinforcements or privileges they could earn by engaging in the desired behavior.

You can help children make good decisions for themselves by reflecting on positive outcomes when you see them making good choices. Help them to identify negative outcomes you observe when they are not making the desired choices. Allow them to go through the pros and cons.

How can parents be good influences in reestablishing these routines?

Walter: Be consistent. Allow for a learning curve. It may take time and repetition before your child is getting it right.

Modeling adherence to routines is best. When they see you making routines a priority, they will learn the importance as well.

What type of home environment is good for children as they reacclimate to healthy routines?

Walter: Create an environment with structure and routines around activities of day-to-day life (such as eating, bedtime routines, sleep/wake schedule). These routines will stay constant and can provide feelings of security while going through other adjustments and changes.

Create an environment that encourages open communication. Have conversations about how difficult this is. We are all doing the best we can through these tough times. Validate how your child is feeling while maintaining consistency in expectations.

Let your child know you are here to support them in being successful with what is being asked of them. Encourage them to stay connected to other family supports, community supports, and peers. Create an environment that allows for mistakes and doesn’t demand perfection.