Q: My 13-year-old daughter came home from boarding school last weekend and announced at a family dinner that she is a witch and a "wiccan." Then she told us she is an atheist.
My mother told me that you would advise me not to tolerate this. So, I took my daughter's wiccan books away and forbid associations with peers who are wiccan. She rebelled, and the more I tried to control her, the more she rebelled.
I have recently started attending church and have decided that this is something the whole family should do together. Do I make my daughter go with us?
A: Your mother may be a big fan, but she did not correctly predict my advice.
I advise parents to not tolerate blatant misbehavior. Wicca, which is a New Age religion that involves nature worship and belief in magic, is not misbehavior. This is not something I would forbid.
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You're trying to control what you cannot control; namely, what your daughter thinks. Simply say something like:
"You are free to believe what you want to believe. As for me, I know from personal experience that people sometimes do not mature spiritually until they are well into their adult years. Until then, they wander. If your wandering has, at this point, caused you to become convinced that you are a witch, so be it. Just don't ever again disrupt this family with announcements of that sort, which you know as well as I do are simply designed to draw attention to yourself.
"Good witches never, ever attract attention to themselves, but you should know that. That tells me, by the way, that you really don't understand the responsibilities involved in being a witch.
"In any case, you are going to church with us. We do this as a family. You don't have to listen. You don't have to believe. You can even sit there and practice casting spells. Perhaps you can cause the minister to begin babbling incoherently."
In short, this is a time for not taking your daughter or yourself too seriously.
Separation anxiety
Q: My wife and I are planning to go away to celebrate our 10th anniversary, and we are trying to decide how long we can be away from our kids (boys 5 and 2) with a minimal amount of "adjustment" upon our return.
We regularly leave them with grandparents for evenings or a whole weekend (two nights). So we are not neurotic parents who never leave the kids, and we aren't worried that being away will scar them. We simply want down-to-earth guidelines on how long is too long for parents to go away.
A: Your children should have no problem separating from you for a week or two.
Children have a much easier time separating from parents than parents have separating from children. Take as much time as you like and for which you can find good, responsible childcare. I'm assuming this won't be longer than a week, but if it is, no harm done. Call them every other day or so. For fun, there are sites on the Internet through which you can e-mail them cartoon greetings.
Have a good time. At the end of your trip, when you walk back into their lives, don't walk in like you're apologizing.
John Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 East 86th St., Suite 26B, Indianapolis, Ind. 46240 and at his Web site: www.rosemond.com.
If you or someone you know has parenting problems, call the Parents Anonymous 24-hour confidential Help-Line at 892-2172.
