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Greg Bauch


Buffalo Magazine: BufFYI

I call it a furry cyclone of happiness. It’s the whirling bundle of unadulterated joy I wake up to every morning. Buck sits next to the bed and stares at my eyes, waiting for them to open. As soon as he sees the whites, he starts spinning in a circle. This kickstarts Meg (our other dog) into action. She runs into the room and proceeds to hop up and down like a white guy at…

Buffalo Magazine

The holidays are all about giving. Each and every year, the month of December gives me dangerously high cholesterol, high blood pressure and a partridge of belly fat. It starts with the cookies, continues with cakes and ends with a toothache. If you work in an office, you know all about the holiday sugar assault. Clients bring in gifts for the office and fellow employee…

I’m in a Moose Lodge having a beer with my parents. My mom strikes up a conversation with the woman next to her. She points to me and says, “That’s my baby.” Being the youngest of seven kids can be difficult. For instance, I’m a 38-year old baby. I’ll always be my mom’s baby. If I were to tackle a bear and wrestle it into submission to save a damsel in distress, I woul…

As a standup comic, I get asked all the time, “How do you write a good joke?” And I always say the same thing, “Mom, it’s three o’clock in the morning. Hang up the phone and go to sleep.” Once people find out you’re a standup comedian, they want to hear a joke. I’ll arrive for comedy shows at fire halls, clubs and bars, walk up to the person collecting the cover charge …

Buffalo Magazine

Curtains are terrible. In theory, it makes sense to hang fabric over a window to block out the sun and provide privacy, but we’ve taken curtains too far. Curtains should just be curtains. They’ve become something much, much worse. Curtains come in four colors; brownish, off-whitish, reddish, and a color that a male will call green but a female will call blue, gray or in…

Some people marry into money. My wife married into Buffalo Sports fandom. It means accepting that your better half is half-crazy; that their idea of fun and entertainment is prolonged suffering with the hope of a silver lining. In fact, Buffalo sports fans have a monopoly on suffering. We own Park Place and Boardwalk in the Suffering Game and we’ve built hotels. Rooting…

About two years ago, my wife switched to a gluten-free diet because she would often feel uncomfortable after eating bread. The change has helped considerably and her overall health has improved since cutting the gluten. Because we live in the same house and share food, I am also, for the most part, gluten-free. I don’t mind living in a gluten-free home. I’m happy to sup…

A body at rest tends to stay at rest. A body in motion is probably standing on a moving walkway in an airport, and that moving body will be darned if you think it should walk when modern technology is handling all necessary movement. Human beings are spoiled. I’m not complaining, and if I was complaining I’d do it online in the comfort of my favorite chair. I wouldn’t want…

Hey there, potato chips. It’s me, Greg. Chips, you and I have had some times together over the years. From movie nights with the family to half-conscious midnight cupboard raids, you’ve been a big part of my life. I’ve taken you in by the handful. I’ve submerged you in dip. I’ve put you on pizza. I’ve eaten you as a meal. You never griped when I snuck you into mov…

I give the gift that keeps on giving: disappointment. I’m terrible at picking out gifts. What I lack in financial resources, I make up for in awkward decision-making. It’s not that I dislike buying things for other people. The season of giving inspires me to share with my fellow man. I love to give, I just stink at giving. Santa should put me in charge of his ‘Bad’ list. …

My family tree has bark. Growing up, our home always contained at least one dog. When my wife and I finally got a home of our own, I knew it was only a matter of time before dog hair covered our clothes. We got a dog named ‘Buck’ from the SPCA in Tonawanda. Buck is a purebred; bred for pure destruction. He’s part Lab, part Shepherd and partly to blame for stains on my c…

So you’re looking for the perfect movie to see with your best girl. First, understand that the idea of taking a date to a movie is flawed, at best. The reason you’re on a date with someone is because you want to get to know him/her. At the movies, she’ll have to shush you before you can finish your story about the time your brother Donny tried to rob the Mr. Softee truck w…

This beast has an insatiable appetite. It demands to be fed at all times. Like the boiler of a locomotive, it eats and burns, eats and burns. My house feeds on money like a dog scarfs bologna. Every day, a new section of my home rings the dinner bell. When the temperatures hit record lows this winter, the furnace decided it needed a new zone valve. If you’re wondering w…

There is a hierarchy in any family. I am the youngest of seven kids, so our house was very much a battleground of wills. My parents, of course, were in charge, dispersing responsibilities to maintain a properly functioning household. Dad had absolute and unquestioned control over every manner that mom didn’t feel like governing. Once you got past my parents, there was an e…

Cars are manufactured to get us from point ‘A’ to point ‘B,’ but they haven’t been about transportation since 1929 when Paul Galvin invented the first car radio. People choose cars to match their style. Sure, economics play a role in whether your ride is pimped or proper, but your car selection still says a lot about you. The Lone Ranger had Silver. You might not wear a…