On this first day of 2019, we look ahead to the year in news, making our annual not-so-serious predictions for each month of the year.
January: President Trump, seeking to end his showdown with Democrats over a border wall, again changes his description of what he wants, moving from “aesthetically designed steel slats” to “a series of sleek daybeds from IKEA, which Mexico will assemble.”
February: Kyle Williams, recently retired from the Bills and now the most popular man in Western New York, is drafted by the Democratic, Republican, Conservative, Green and Democratic Socialist parties to run for Erie County executive. Williams says he’ll think about it.
March: Gov. Andrew Cuomo and Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, both of whom insist they are not running for president, open satellite offices in Des Moines, Iowa. Both start referring to Iowa as “part of upstate.”
April: During Buffalo’s Dyngus Day parade, the squirting of water gets out of hand when Mayor Byron Brown and state motor vehicles Commissioner Mark Schroeder come armed with super soaker squirt guns and challenge each other to a duel in Cazenovia Park. Both men are disqualified for having battery acid in their water tanks.
May: Facebook, trying to burnish its image, hires Buffalo’s Leslie Zemsky as its Director of Fun, her title at Larkin Development Group. Facebook also announces the departure of its Director of Evil.
June: Frustrated with a declining stock market, President Trump asks Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell to resign. The president nominates “Fox and Friends” host Steve Doocy as Powell’s successor.
July: Buffalo marks the opening of its 5,000th craft beer brewery by presenting a key to the city to beer commercial icon Jonathan Goldsmith, the World’s Most Interesting Man.
August: Cellino and Barnes announce they are trying to patch things up and keep their firm together “for the sake of the kids who watch our commercials.”
September: Independent counsel Robert Mueller, investigating possible collusion with Russia in the 2016 presidential election, embarks on a six-month listening tour in the Urals, delaying his first report to Congress until “2030, at the earliest.”
October: Terry and Tim Pegula go on a sports buying spree, purchasing the Rochester Wings, Syracuse Chiefs, Syracuse Crunch, and the rights to the defunct Albany Patroons. “Someday we’ll need stocking stuffers for the grandchildren at Christmas,” Terry Pegula explains.
November: Mark Poloncarz is defeated in his re-election bid for county executive, losing to write-in candidate Kyle Williams. Poloncarz admits even he voted for Williams “because he’s so awesome.”
December: The president, in another surprise move, nominates Snoop Dogg to head the binational International Joint Commission. The panel announces its first priority is legalizing pot across the Great Lakes region. No one on the panel can remember its second priority.
Please remember, our prognostications are strictly for entertainment purposes; we don’t condone gambling. We do, however, want to send our readers a sincere wish for a happy and rewarding new year. Here’s to it.