Joe Fan: I can’t believe they did it! Peterman! There is a God!
Bill Fan: God hates the Bills. The defense parted like the Red Sea two straight games! They gave up 8,511 yards rushing so they bench the QB?!
Jill Fan: Tyrod has faults, Lord knows, but he has no help.
Joe Fan: He never throws with anticipation!
Bill Fan: He’s anticipating getting his ribs broken! He has no time!
Joe Fan: He’s had three years! Seven counting the Ravens!
Jill Fan: Did you see his and Mariotta’s stats? They’re almost identical. I was really surprised.
Joe Fan: Mariotta’s a franchise QB! Taylor is a franchise killer! Go Nate! I told you he’d start this year!
Bill Fan: You told me 187 things and 11 came true!
Joe Fan: I told you Tyrod is horrible, too! Before he even played! I just knew!
Bill Fan: So turn to Peterman in a playoff race?! If the season ended today the Bills would be in! Peterman has a rag arm! He’s the second coming of Kellen Moore, who stinks!
Joe Fan: Accuracy trumps arm strength all day every day and twice on Sunday.
Bill Fan: He was a fifth rounder because he had no arm. And if you say the words Tom or Brady in the next hour I’m punching you in the neck.
Jill Fan: We need something! If I have to suffer through another Sunday like last I’m committing myself to Fan-Addicts Anonymous. Hello, my name is Jill and I’m an addict.
Joe Fan: Hi, Jill.
Bill Fan: Hi. Jill. Thanks for sharing.
Joe Fan: I threw up more than 56 yards last week.
Bill Fan: You can’t take last week as the norm. His INT went right through Clay’s hands. DT dropped a bomb right to him. Clay had a 30-yard play nullified by a phantom block. Some insane person in charge of the offense decided Mike Tolbert was Andre Reed.
Joe Fan: Excuses.
Bill Fan: Facts.
Jill Fan: Opinions.
Bill Fan: Denizen sucks. He’s Uncle Rico from "Napoleon Dynamite."
Joe Fan: And Tyrod throws like Uncle Rico. He leaves plays on the field.
Bill Fan: Watch the All-22.
Joe Fan: I watched All-44 of the last two weeks! There were open receivers all over the field.
Bill Fan: Not looking or not when Tyrod was looking or after the rush already got to him. All-22 is the best and the worst thing ever to happen to sports.
Jill Fan: Maybe we just need to give Peterman a chance.
Joe Fan: Who knew it was legal for a QB to just drop back, make a decision and throw an accurate pass?!
Bill Fan: That’s all he can do. That’s all Trent Edwards could do.
Jill Fan: I think I’m gonna be sick.
Joe Fan: Everyone’s been saying how good Nate looks in practice. You saw him in preseason. He was great.
Bill Fan: No, he was decent. And practice and preseason is three-quarter speed. Real games are warp speed. That’s the reason guys with weak arms can’t win. A completion in college is a pick six in the pros.
Jill Fan: He threw that 20-yard dart to Benjamin in a real game.
Bill Fan: The Saints didn’t rush or cover on that play and it wasn’t a dart, it was a lawn dart. Nice pass.
Jill Fan: I thought he looked good for a rook.
Bill Fan: He needs to throw the deep out and has yet to make any single throw that proves he has the oomph. I hope he does! I hope I’m wrong! But I’ve yet to see it! It doesn’t mean he can’t, he just hasn’t.
Joe Fan: He has plenty of arm. Gruden loves him.
Jill Fan: I love Gruden!
Bill Fan: Gruden loves Colt McCoy. Gruden loves everybody.
Joe Fan: But now at least we have a chance! Tyrod is done! I can’t wait for Sunday!
Jill Fan: Me either! Maybe he’s the next—
Bill Fan: Don’t go there, Jill.
Jill Fan: Just kidding.
Joe Fan: Peterman’s gonna light it up! You watch! You know how everyone says “I’m not the I told you so guy?” Well I am! I’ll tell you so right after the game!
Bill Fan: I think it was a bad decision but if Peterman’s the Bills’ guy, he’s my guy, too! Go Nate! Go Bills!
Pete Rosen is a screenwriter in Los Angeles, lifetime Buffalo fan, and may be found blathering daily at twobillsdrive.com.