Dear Readers: I couldn’t let April Fools’ Day go by without featuring a few of the more colorful letters that have shown up in my mail recently:
Dear Abby: I’m getting ready to undergo my first-ever prostate exam. To be honest, I’m a bit nervous. What should I expect? Also, what’s the dress code for something like this? I’m thinking about wearing nice slacks and a collared shirt.
The doctor has been patient and kind. He hasn’t put any pressure on me. I want this to be special. I’m thinking about bringing a bottle of wine. After all, it’s only the first time once. Advice?
– Untouched from the Virgin Islands
Dear Untouched: Your attire isn’t as important as your attitude. Just relax and let the doctor “handle” things. As to the wine, I have it on good authority that a nice bottle of cabernet sauvignon goes well with a prostate exam if you drink enough beforehand.
Dear Abby: I recently got a wedding invitation in the mail. However, it was meant for the previous occupants who used to live here. My question is, would it be wrong for me to crash the wedding? After all, I DID receive the invitation. I won’t make a fuss, and I’ll only be there for the free food.
– Likes Good Deals n Missouri
Dear Likes: Like so many others.
Dear Abby: My boyfriend won’t stop asking me to marry him. The first time he proposed, we were in the middle of a fancy restaurant. It was very sweet. Naturally, I said yes.
He must have liked the way the restaurant patrons and staff applauded us. Since then, he has proposed to me at a basketball game, in a museum, at a crowded party and in five other restaurants. When I tell him to stop, he says he loves me so much and wants everyone to know.
What can I do about him? I feel he’s turning me into a con artist. We’re no better than those people who tell servers it’s their birthday just to get a piece of cake.
– Engaged in Deceit
Dear Engaged: Your fiance appears to like repeat performances. Now cross your fingers and hope he feels the same way about the wedding night.
Dear Abby: My dog Fred watches your column religiously. I don’t think he understands the written word, at least not completely. But he sure tries. He sits there and looks at it intently. Sometimes he slobbers over the horoscopes – he’s a Pisces – but never on your column.
– Rosie in Roswell
Dear Rosie: I’m “aarf-ully” touched to know that Fred’s a fan. Wishing you and Fred and all of my readers a Happy April Fools’ Day.