Dear Abby: I gave birth to a baby girl two months ago. I have a wonderful husband, and my in-laws are incredible. We live far away from both sides of the family.
My mom is a former cocaine and prescription painkiller addict. Her addiction diminished her mental capacities, and it’s difficult to relate to her because the only things she can talk about are her health issues and all the medications she’s currently taking.
Mom recently came to visit us. I hadn’t seen her in two years, but I realized that we have nothing in common. She and my dad are still happily married, and Dad has yet to meet my child. I’m supposed to visit them for the holidays, but I’d rather spend the time with my in-laws. Any suggestions?
– Nothing in Common
Dear Nothing in Common: Yes. Sometimes it’s important to do things we would rather not because they are the right thing to do. Your father is trying to make the best of a difficult situation, and your mother is working to overcome a serious illness – which addiction is. Make the scheduled visit, and give your dad the chance to meet his grandchild. If, after that, you decide to permanently distance yourself from your parents, it will be your choice, but you may change your mind.
Disability breeds discontent
Dear Abby: My boyfriend of five years, “Jack,” is funny and generally very sweet. I’m currently on disability and working hard to get myself healthy enough to start working again. The problem is, Jack thinks I do nothing but sit on my duff all day.
When I worked, we used to trade massages to make each other feel relaxed because our jobs were physically demanding. Now, because I’m not working, he says it’s my “job” to help him relax. I give him a massage every night, but it’s never reciprocated. When I ask him for one, he puts no effort into it and acts as if it’s a chore.
I no longer feel loved or special. I feel like a live-in masseuse, but I’m worried that if I stop, there will be no physical contact at all between us. What would be the best way to let him know that I’m tired of it?
– Rubbed the Wrong Way
Dear Rubbed the Wrong Way: Jack doesn’t sound all that “sweet” to me. Because you feel the way you do, tell him how his change of behavior is affecting you. Touch is important because it helps partners to stay connected. Could it be that Jack’s unwillingness to give you massages is “punishment” because you’re not contributing financially as you did while you were working?
Tell him that you miss the closeness you had shared and that if the shoe were on the other foot, you wouldn’t treat him this way. The partnership isn’t equal now, so suggest a compromise.