Dear Readers: In honor of April Fools’ Day, a couple of offbeat letters:
Dear Abby: I’m writing to brag about my boyfriend. He’s a semiprofessional alligator wrestler and very brave. It’s a tough job, and it takes him away from home a lot. It’s also a very dangerous job. He often comes home with bite marks all over his neck and shoulders, and scratches on his back.
Want to know something weird about alligators? Their natural odor smells a lot like perfume. When my beau gets back from a tournament, he often reeks of it. The first time I smelled it on him, I was worried. But after he explained it to me, it made sense.
We’re so happy. We have four beautiful children, and he promises we’ll get married soon – right after the next tournament. I know you get lots of letters about bad relationships, so I thought I’d let you hear about a good one.
– Gator Girl in Florida
Dear Gator Girl: That’s a good one. You may have thought you smelled perfume, but I smell a rat. Be glad your boyfriend doesn’t wrestle cougars – I hear they wear indelible lipstick.
Dear Abby: A teacher at our high school took some time off to get a breast augmentation. Before she left, she told the class she was having her tonsils out. When she returned to the classroom with a larger chest, one of the students cracked, “Nice tonsils!” Of course, the class roared. What do you think?
– George in South Carolina
Dear George: I think that unless her students pay more attention to what she’s teaching and less to her chest, they may be earning double D’s.
And now, back to work:
When does an affair start?
Dear Abby: When does an extramarital affair actually start? Is it when the two parties involved do the mattress mambo, their first kiss, or is it sooner?
– Clueless Wife in Canada
Dear Clueless: A love affair involves more than having sex. An extramarital affair begins as soon as a man or woman starts sneaking around and lying to his or her mate.
Even after divorce, a dispute
Dear Abby: Please settle an argument my ex-husband and I still have. Throughout our marriage, we had problems. One night, it got nasty; he moved out and didn’t return. He says I should have asked him to move back in. I say he chose to leave, so I shouldn’t have had to beg him back. Your opinion?
– Wondering in Crystal Lake, Ill.
Dear Wondering: You and your ex-husband should stop arguing because after your divorce became final, the question became moot.