Spoiler alert. If you haven’t watched the two episodes of “Survivor” that aired Wednesday and planned to do so eventually, now is the time to stop reading. Forgive me, because it was two episodes, this summary is a little long.
It took week four, but Grand Island’s Kelly Remington finally got to be a key player on “Survivor.”
In the first of two episodes that aired Wednesday, the New York State trooper got hit by a wooden platform during a challenge and needed six stitches to close a wound on her head.
She took it like a trouper, pun intended.
She got a temporary medical fix and went on to lose the challenge with her teammates.
“I’m good,” she told a sympathetic host Jeff Probst.
Kelly's toughness made her claim in the second episode that she was “definitely scared to death” seem preposterous.
After all, this is a woman who doesn’t seem to be scared by anything.
Her Blue Collar teammate Mike, an oil driller, put it best: “This is one of the toughest girls I’ve seen in a long time. I have mad respect for that.”
What was Kelly so scared of?
In the second episode, “Survivor” pulled one of its famous twists, moving people out of the White Collar, Blue Collar and No Collar tribes into two tribes with names that aren’t as easy to remember or pronounce. Kelly ended up being on a team without any of the Blue Collar teammates she had been with for 11 days.
Perhaps just as damaging, she was on a team loaded with women while the other tribe was filled with strong men. It was done by chance and didn’t seem fair.
But it turned out fine for Kelly, even if her team lost the immunity challenge in the second episode and faced Tribal Council. It was fine because she appeared to have some power as a potential swing vote.
She also received a couple of added bonuses.
Kelly no longer had to listen to Rodney, a Blue Collar teammate who is such a sexist that getting hit by a post is preferable to listening to him.
He especially annoyed teammate Lindsey, an attractive hairdresser and trash talker with tattoos all over her body.
“If you were my son, I’d break your jaw and feed it to you for breakfast,” Lindsey told Rodney.
Rodney, who is a general contractor, wasn’t exactly in love with Lindsey or her facial tattoos, either.
“Lindsey looks like a female Mike Tyson,” said Rodney. “Who … puts a tattoo on their face unless they have serious problems?”
Dan, the heavy Blue Collar postal worker who likes to show off his belly and looked like he would be a quick goner after the premiere episode, had Rodney to thank for looking much better these days.
“I am so much smarter than I look,” said Dan.
That wouldn’t be hard.
Needless to say, Kelly was being lobbied by her female Blue Collar teammates in episode one to oust the sexist Rodney.
“Someone is going home and someone is going to be (ticked) off and I know it’s not me,” said Kelly.
Who would have thought after barely hearing from Kelly as she stayed under the radar in the first three episodes that she would have become a little cocky by episode four?
Rodney got in one more shot before the vote, saying he and Lindsey “were like chicken parm and tuna fish. It doesn’t taste good.”
I would think after all these days of barely eating anything, a food metaphor isn’t a good idea.
Rodney then made a comment so sexist that it caused Probst to advise him he “offended millions of women.”
Somehow Rodney survived. And Mike Tyson – I mean Lindsey – was ousted.
It was off to episode two, where Kelly immediately declared that “I am definitely scared to death.”
Her new teammates include one of the more likable and verbally-skilled contestants, sailing instructor Jenn, originally of the No Collar team.
We learned early in Wednesday’s first episode that Jenn also is a different kind of chicken lover than her teammates. While they couldn’t wait to kill and then eat one of the live chickens given to them for winning a challenge, Jenn went off looking for an immunity idol and found one.
“Winner, winner, chicken dinner,” said Jenn, thus giving the episode its title.
Jenn and law student Hali, who would be two winners of the swimsuit competition, got to stay together and quickly determined they liked Kelly.
Carolyn, an outspoken corporate executive and former member of the White Collar team, wasn’t happy that she got stuck staying on a team with two “Survivor” trivia experts who like to swim naked, media consultant Max and Yahoo executive Shirin.
“What are the ‘Survivor’ gods trying to do, kill me?” asked Carolyn.
Her pain appeared to be more severe than Kelly’s for getting hit in the head.
Kelly’s death fears quickly disappeared after she realized that she was a potential swing vote and learned how annoying Max and Shirin are.
Noting that she was an undercover cop, Kelly said of her situation during an interview that “it is like going into a house trying to buy drugs from people you totally don’t know and you have to start building their trust and don’t have time to wait because your life depends on it.”
Shirin and Max seemed clueless about a couple of things: How annoying they are and how much they were in jeopardy.
“I’m so happy, this couldn’t have worked out any better,” Shirin told Kelly of the new team.
“I know,” said Kelly, smartly going along.
Quickly, we learned Jenn had had enough of Shirin after spending 12 hours with her.
“I know things I never wanted to know,” said Jenn. “She’s never stopped talking. It’s driving me insane.”
Now it is time to take a brief pause for some more sexist talk from Mike and Dan as they strategized about getting Sierra, whose occupation is listed as barrel racer, in their good graces again after she got a couple of elimination votes in Wednesday’s first episode.
Dan had a whole apology plan, full of an explanation of what happened. That led Mike to explain what women want.
“They don’t want the explanation,” said Mike. “They just want to hear you say you are sorry so they can be right.”
In an interview away from Mike, Dan said: “Dude, you are half my age. I have talked to so many more girls that you have. It’s silly.”
The exchange was pretty silly. And funny.
So the big fool Dan went with his apology strategy. Apparently, Dan needs to speak to more women.
“It was the sorriest apology I’ve heard in my life,” said Sierra.
I apologize for going too long so I will get to the big finish.
But first one more pearl from Jenn, who was astounded by Max’s knowledge of all the past editions of “Survivor.”’
“It is like people who remember the 1996 Bulls game against the Heat on Oct. 13, or whenever basketball happens,” said Jenn.
Ah, another reason to love Jenn. She knows two NBA teams.
Max was excited about going to the Tribal Council to change his team’s dynamic. He and Shirin seemed to think that You Tube sensation Will, who has had his trouble in challenges, would be a goner.
At Tribal Council. Shirin seemed determined to even annoy Jeff Probst by saying he gave her a funny look while she talked. The host denied it.
“Maybe the Botox isn’t working,” Probst cracked.
Max admitted he was obsessed with watching “Survivor” and suggested it is the kind of “Type A personality thing that lands someone in the hospital with a coronary at age 47.”
Then he said he hoped to avoid that kind of fate by using a “mandatory relaxation” strategy.
I’m not sure if Probst’s Botox was working, but the words “mandatory relaxation” got his attention.
And then Max lost the vote and was a mandatory goner.
Kelly survived to go to episode six next Wednesday and appeared (yes, I remember appearances are deceiving) in good position to stay awhile and force me to continue blogging about a series I had enough of 25 seasons ago.
What are the “Survivor” gods trying to do, kill me?