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Miss Manners: Keep others’ feelings in mind when you write your memoirs

Dear Miss Manners: I’m writing a memoir and want to write honestly how I experienced incidents involving other persons, while including the caveat that the other people may have felt very differently about the same incidents. I think these other people would rather I not write about them at all. Where does self-expression and one’s right to tell one’s memories end, and other people’s right not to be included in my written memories begin?

Gentle Reader: Every writer must be a voracious reader. Miss Manners recommends that you read libel law.

It is true that your parents will probably not sue you for saying you had a rotten childhood, and that plenty of successful writers have written about people they know in ways that may not have pleased those people.

Miss Manners is not saying that you should not attempt this, thus possibly discouraging what may be a great piece of literature illuminating the human condition. She is only asking you to be aware of the effect on others and not sacrifice their feelings unnecessarily.

Modern mourning

Dear Miss Manners: There is a line in one of my mother’s favorite country music songs – something to the effect of “he stopped loving her today; they placed a wreath upon his door.”

I believe the song’s author is saying that “he” died. What can you tell me about the tradition of hanging a black wreath upon the door of a house in mourning? Is this a symbol that would be recognized today? Is the practice still in use? Should one have a black wreath on hand in the event a household member passes?

Gentle Reader: Etiquette used to have dozens of ways that the bereaved could warn people to treat them gently, such as black clothes, black-edged writing paper and black wreaths on the door.

But those were the days before the bizarre notion arose that what they really needed was to be urged to get past their grief and get on with their lives. Formal mourning has been dropped so thoroughly that few now understand what is disconcerting about bridesmaids in black dresses.

Miss Manners is afraid that conspicuous mourning would probably now have the unfortunate effect of encouraging the self-appointed therapists who think they can solve what they see as an attitude problem. If you put a black wreath on the door, they would only tell you that you should have taken down your Christmas wreath before it atrophied.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website,; to her email,; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.