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Rivers' 'Hate' is a hoot

"I hate gay weddings. I'm thrilled about the equal rights thing ... but gay weddings are like the War on Terror -- they go on forever. ... Gay weddings are a lifetime commitment -- for the guests. They start at seven and end in October. Why? Because stereotypes be damned, gays love parades."

That is Joan Rivers. With all the ponderous punditry on same-sex marriage -- not to mention President Obama on the cover of Newsweek with a rainbow-colored halo, being called "Our First Gay President" -- I think we need some irreverence.

Joan's quote is from her coming book, titled "Joan Rivers: I Hate Everyone ... Starting with Me." And let me tell you, she is not kidding. This book is relentless -- often hilarious, often shocking, totally politically incorrect. She takes no prisoners. Or if she does, she tortures them before the coup de grace. Joan takes on everything -- from "black people who give their children ridiculous names" to "people who like modern art" to "old bodies." She's not too keen on the likes of Anne Frank, Gandhi or Stephen Hawking, either.

Joan explains: "Being with haters is much more entertaining than being with depressives, because haters are always willing to make a scene ... they don't give a s--t. Those are my kind of people."

And just remember, if you work in a restaurant and spot Ms. Rivers -- Joan hates maitre d's, waiters, waitresses and most, if not everything that's on the menu. Prostrate yourself before her and you might survive, though you'll surely end up in the sequel, under: "I hate waiters who prostrate themselves before me."

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Remember Faye Dunaway's classic moment in "Chinatown": "She's my daughter! ... She's my sister! She's my daughter! My sister, my daughter ... She's my sister AND my daughter!" Well, that's kind of what one feels after seeing "Dark Shadows." Is it a parody? Is it horror? Is it melodrama? It's parody, horror AND melodrama! It's a Tim Burton movie and, therefore, cannot be categorized as any one genre, though it is unmistakably a Burton film. It has the look.

Reviews have been mixed, with some critics wondering if Burton and screenwriter Seth Grahame-Smith got lost along the way. I don't think so. I think what we see onscreen is exactly what was intended. The movie keeps you entertained but off-balance -- you never know where it's going. Purists, who loved the old TV series will not be amused. But they aren't Tim Burton's audience anyway. I say, ignore the reviews and go see for yourself.

Johnny Depp is fascinating, Michelle Pfeiffer is still glorious even in Burton's deep Gothic atmosphere, and there's fun to be had from Eva Green, Helena Bonham-Carter, Jonny Lee Miller, Jackie Earle Haley, Christopher Lee and Alice Cooper.

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The semi-nude "exclusive," lost photos of Marilyn Monroe in the current issue of Vanity Fair, have caused a bit of a controversy. Playboy magazine objects. They say all the photos have been published before. They are almost correct. One or two have not been seen before. But here's some trivia. When Playboy published Lawrence Schiller's photos of the late star's famous pool scene from the uncompleted "Something's Got to Give," they decided they didn't have enough nude shots of Monroe and airbrushed her bikini bottom out of one picture -- the big black-and-white that opens Vanity Fair's article. So if you want to be technical, the version in Vanity Fair -- with bikini bottom un-retouched -- falls under "unpublished."