Judging from recent news cycles, we are swiftly closing in on the Age of Endless Adolescence. Last week began with a photo of a middle-age man in a tub with two wine glasses beside him. Everyone thought it was another Cialis ad. It turned out to be GSA Chief Jeffrey Neely childishly blowing through hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars.
A few days later, Secret Service agents who cavorted with Colombian hookers when they were securing premises before the president's arrival, shuffled home with their tails between their legs. They looked like school boys busted for stealing the rival team's mascot.
Midweek, Dallas Maverick Delonte West was fined $25,000 by the NBA for giving a Utah Jazz player a "wet willy." A "wet willy," is when someone licks their finger and sticks it in another person's ear. (Noogies on the sideline!)
If you're over 21 and you've been doing the responsible adult thing -- working, paying taxes, managing your money well, being faithful to your spouse, drawing boundaries for your kids, enjoying weekends in a moderate fashion and contributing to the well-being of those around you, you are so last century.
Maturity is out. The perpetual teenager is in. Would the last grown-up to leave the room turn off the lights? Change can be hard to embrace, so for those of you who are slow to adapt, I offer the following list in hope that it speeds you along the way to immaturity.
How to remain a perpetual adolescent:
*Always let your feelings be your guide.
*Let someone else make the hard calls.
*Go with the crowd.
*Take at least 10 pictures of yourself with your camera phone every day.
*Immerse yourself in celebrity culture.
*Live on Facebook.
*Never tell your kid no; just be your kid's best friend.
*Watch the Cartoon Network.
*Accumulate a lot of stuff that makes you happy. You deserve it.
*If you're over 40, dress like you're 30, party like you're 20.
*Drink your Fiber One through a straw and spit it out your nose.
*Be loud. Try to draw attention to yourself wherever you are.
*Forget that you're married. Try to forget you have kids, too.
*Sponsor a "Be Like Alec Baldwin Day" at work.
*Be coarse, vulgar and inappropriate.
*Mix Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, Pepsi and lemonade at the fountain machine.
*If the conversation lulls, make that flatulence sound using your hand and your armpit.
*Your mother is lying -- you'd look good with a Steven Tyler feather in your hair.
*Don't read; you could hurt yourself.
*Sell your car. Skateboard to work.
*In closing, one more suggestion for the Dallas Mavericks -- swirlies in the locker room.