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Five Spot / Quick hitters on the light side

THAT'S NOTHING

Orioles outfielder Nick Johnson has started the season 0 for 23. Cry me a river, said Mariners hitters after going 0 for 27 against Philip Humber Saturday.

COUNTRY JOE & THE FISTS

Why the grousing about all the fisticuffs in the NHL playoffs? : "This is like people complaining about the rain at Woodstock," Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke told USA Today. "Yes, there was lots of mud, but it was the greatest music gathering in history."

SUPER-SIZE IT, PLEASE

Florida basketball player Erving Walker must pay $301 in court costs for stealing a $3 taco, a judge ruled. In other words, prosecutors requested a sentence with everything on it.

HE'S TAKING A LICKING

The glue is barely dry on Ted Williams' new commemorative postage stamps, and Red Sox fans are already grumbling. As in, how many would it take to mail Bobby Valentine out of town?

SHEER GENIUS

"The coach of our Lingerie League team has not been announced," wrote Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, "but my money's on Bobby Petrino."

-- Dwight Perry, Seattle Times