"A woman would never do that," I said to my daughter.
"Certainly not," she answered.
Her husband had just stepped on a scale to weigh himself. It was 8 o'clock at night. He had just eaten a full meal. He was fully clothed, pants, shirt, heavy shoes, a belt, and was holding one of their 9-month-old twins.
He stepped on the scale, waited for it to register, stepped off and announced his weight to the room. Only a man would do that.
A woman weighs herself in the morning, not the evening. A woman weighs herself before she eats, not after. A woman also weighs herself before she showers -- water droplets add pounds.
A woman doesn't broadcast the weight a scale gives her because a woman doesn't accept the weight a scale gives her. She argues with it: Is this thing on an incline or what? It was that ham sandwich; ham makes me retain water. I wonder if I have that disorder where people crawl out of bed and eat in the night? It's all these hair products weighing me down.
No woman believes the scale at the doctor's office either. Every last one of them weighs heavy. It's a conspiracy that Oliver Stone should look into. I know a woman who turns her back to the scale when she is weighed at the doctor's office and asks the nurse not to say her weight aloud. It's a good weight, but she'd rather not know.
There is a line of diets that advocate eating like our early, early ancestors. They are referring to the ancestors that crouched when they walked. These were apparently our ancestors that had a good BMI, but extremely poor posture.
The big idea is to only eat foods that you (or someone else) can catch, kill or pick.
Talk about a win-win. If we began eating the same way our early ancestors did, we could lose the stoves and refrigerators. We could just dangle slabs of meat on a stick over an open flame and eat berries right off the bushes. Food prep and kitchen cleanup would disappear. The average woman would gain an extra 20 hours a week with the catch-kill-pick plan.
One of the early ancestor diet advocates also advises short spurts of intense exercise, "as if running after wild game or doing heavy lifting."
The guide says: "Squeeze your wife and slowly lift her off the floor." Burning calories and renewing romance all at the same time. Great. But who is the wife supposed to lift off the floor?
The early ancestor diet operates on the same principle they all do: if it tastes good spit it out. I always liked my mother's attitude toward dieting. "There's nothing like Slim-Fast with a scoop of ice cream."
If you take the early ancestor diet seriously, we would all be in the woods hunting or at the river fishing for so long that there wouldn't be any time for eating. Fewer calories and less time in the kitchen.
What more could you ask for?
OK, besides a scale that weighs light.