Dear Carolyn: I'm engaged to the man of my dreams. He's gorgeous, really brilliant, loves my family, and loves me unconditionally. I know you're waiting for it, and here it is HOWEVER, he is not intimate. He loves cuddling, snuggling and holding my hand, but he doesn't ever get in the mood to have sex. When I ask him about it, he says he's tired or not in the mood. He is taking antidepressants for his anxiety, but only recently. This predicament has been going on for 2 1/2 years; the first six months of our relationship were sex-filled and great.
I've tried many times to get him revved up, but he's just not into it. It's like he doesn't even see me.
We are on the same page when it comes to our opinions, money, likes/dislikes literally we always are thinking the same thing. But when it comes to being intimate, it's just not there. I want to marry him, but I don't want to be that "once a year" kind of couple. Is it me? Help!
A: It's not you, it's your fiance -- but if/when you marry him without resolving this, then it's on you. Completely.
You feel bad, you have identified the source of the problem, and you have tried various solutions. 1-2-3. If you haven't moved to 4 by plainly stating, "I can't marry someone who doesn't touch me the way I want to be touched," then you're doing yourself a life-size disservice. Him too. No one (or, no one healthy, that is) wants a frustrated spouse.
So, if you're having trouble forming the words in his presence, then try adopting this as your silent mantra: "He is the man of my nightmares." I can't speak for you, obviously, but to go through life alongside someone who is perpetually one gesture away from giving me everything I've always wanted, but who never actually makes that gesture, sounds like a nightmare to me.
Admit your unhappiness, then see how far he's willing to go to address it. Your best future is the one you choose from there. Your choices: agony now, or torture as far as the eye can see.
A 'lie of omission'
Dear Carolyn: I am in a long-term relationship, and we have a kid. However, we're not married. Nobody's business but our own why not.
People will often refer to my partner as my husband. Do I owe it to anyone to correct such misunderstandings?
-- So, is your husband ... ?
A: Technically it's a lie of omission. But since all you're omitting is information that is of no consequence to others -- and that would needlessly bog down an otherwise light conversation -- I believe you can call it a lie of poetic license and employ it without second thought.