Cleaning out a notebook the other day, I came across a bunch of ideas and columns I started and never finished last year. Here are some of them:
*By now, if I lived on Grand Island, I would look into building my own bridge.
*Living in a neighborhood with a forest behind your house is great until a coyote gets ahold of a cat at 2 in the morning when your windows are open.
*Golf is stupid.
*Hey, lady in front of me in the checkout line: The sign says seven items or fewer, not 700 items or fewer.
*Rearrange the letters in "transit," and you get two words: "sit" and "rant." Which raises the question: Were the people who designed Transit Road trying to tell us what we would do in our cars every time we were on it?
*Making a motion to pay the bills: The oddest part of every town board meeting.
*Golf is awesome.
*They may have changed the name on the building, but it will be years before people stop calling it the Pepsi Center.
*The phrase "I know, right?" How did we ever get by without it?
*Does anyone in this house know how to clean the peanut butter off a knife?
*Boy oh boy, do people love living in villages.
*It's not really "texting" if the only thing you can write is "OK," is it?
*WWSGD: What would Susan Grelick do?
*Dear government: Please stop spending so much money, and make some tough decisions. Just make sure whatever you cut is something I don't use.
*It's Ton-a-wanda, not Tond-a-wanda, darn it.
*You know you're old and out of touch when you see the titles of eight films showing at the local theater and not only have you not seen any of them, you haven't even heard of any of them.
*Chris Collins vs. North Collins: tale of the tape.
*"How often do you floss?" Telling the dentist what he wants to hear.
*State Police radar duty on the 290: Shooting fish in a barrel.
*Farnham: too small to fail.
*It doesn't seem like there's a current in Ellicott Creek until you try to row a canoe in it.
*The elected officials who are huge fans of Kevin Gaughan: a short story. (A very short story).
*Karaoke and an open bar: a recipe for disaster.
*Those mysterious light switches, toilet paper holders and door locks that have puzzled my children for going on 20 years.
*I'll never go to Canada again: a tale of three bridges.
*Driving a minivan after it has hit 150,000 miles, or becoming a member of the $200 Repair of the Month Club.
*I hate air conditioners.
*The moral implications of praying for good weather on the day the outdoor graduation party is scheduled.
*Either call it an AT Machine or an ATM or you should be forced to say "Automated Teller Machine Machine" for a month.
*Marilla, Wales and Elma are similar enough that they could be merged into one town and called Mariwalma.
*The hour I will never get back when I couldn't find the remote and was too lazy to stand up to change the channel and watched a Blasdell Village Board meeting.
*The way Yolanda Vega says "four" on the lottery drawing makes it a two-syllable word: "foe-wuh."
*Hamburg put in roundabouts to deal with vehicular traffic, but every time I'm in the village, I have an uncontrollable urge to get out of my car and walk around.
*Running on a windy day: Half the time, it's not that bad.