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A BRAVE NEW WORLD: POLITICS AND PACHYDERMS

The following satirical article pokes fun at those who predicted bizarre disaster scenarios depending on who won the presidency.

The date is Oct. 6, 2006, and the world as you knew it is gone. The 2004 presidential election resulted in the presidency of John F. Kerry. Soon after his inauguration, John Kerry yielded to the demands of all the terrorists of Al-Hamas to avoid any more bloodshed. Osama bin Laden was named dictator of America and soon used our nuclear arsenal against other non-Islamic nations. He won battle after battle due to America's nuclear arms advantage.

However, bin Laden, maddened by the later stages of neurosyphilis, began making outrageous claims and demands, including that he was the illegitimate son of the late Ronald Reagan. The stricken despot then demanded that all automobiles be destroyed and be replaced with elephants as the only form of transportation. This was the dawn of a brave new era, one of death, destruction and a horrible stench.

Elephants are raised in Africa and Asia. The major automakers have moved to control the emerging industry by buying vast lands in the two continents to raise these pachyderms. All labor done with these creatures such as feeding, raising, taming, and teaching them commands are done overseas by children for dirt cheap wages. The elephants are then sold for exorbitant prices. But hey, what else is new?

Riding on an elephant is no picnic. For one thing, with each step an elephant takes, its foot smashes the ground in a deafening cacophony of breaking pavement. While distracted driving is prohibited, large crowds of people are often crushed beneath the feet or stabbed with the tusks of an elephant being ridden by a man talking on a cell phone. Also, if a mouse crosses your path, forget about it. Your elephant will run straight through a building or off a bridge to avoid the small rodent. Traffic jams are frequent and much worse than with cars. This is chiefly because your vehicle (and everyone's around you) can relieve itself in the middle of traffic. These impulsive and thickheaded elephants are also known to go crazy during the mating season. Need I say more?

If you thought the elephant performed badly on the road, you should try to keep one at your home. At first, my family tried to keep our elephant, Dumbo (not because of the movie, but because he is very stupid), in the garage. I awoke one morning and found Dumbo trampling the wooden ruins that was the family garage. To this day, we have found the easiest way to keep him calm is to use tranquilizer darts on the large mammal before we go to bed.

But our problems don't end there. Dumbo eats nearly a hundred pounds of fruits and vegetables per day, and drinks just as much. Why, why can't we go back to our gas-guzzling behemoths? Why?

It is my learned opinion that the elephant is the most inefficient and ineffective means of travel on the planet. They are slow, smelly, gigantic, and a threat to anyone walking on the ground. Elephants are uncomfortable and lack an AM/FM stereo. The ride is bumpy and noisy. You take your life into your own hands every time you ride an elephant and endanger those around you.

And to think that all this happened because of who was elected president. . .

Andrew Wise is a sophomore at St. Francis