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Thank goodness Paris Hilton finally got down to writing "Confessions of an Heiress." We all knew this ubiquitous amoral party whore had unsuspected depth. There must be dozens of things we don't know about her.

I mean, why limit the overexposure to sex videos?

Actually, this book of "confessions" is a self-help book. It's the book that will transform the great mass of women in the country not born to an obscenely wealthy family. After all, according to Paris, it's been the lack of this book that has separated Paris and her sister, Nicky, from the rest of us -- not money.

In this very colorful book, written with the help of Merle Ginsberg, the repellent Paris opens up, lets us know how she really thinks, feels and eats. She wants us to know what it's like to be an heiress, because her telling us will make it seem like we're right there with her on the red carpet.

Not only does she tell us what it's like to be an heiress, she tells us how to be an heiress in the chapter titled "How to Be an Heiress." You thought you had to be born into a fortune, but no, heiress behavior can be aped by anyone willing to be so shallow. She writes that "if you can channel your own inner heiress, create your own image, and project an extreme sense of confidence -- even if you don't really feel it every moment -- people will treat you differently." Among Paris' tips:

Always behave like you are the center of attention.

Always act like you're on camera, and the spotlight's on you.

Even if you have no secrets . . . you've got to make people think that you do.

Never wear the same thing twice.

Act ditzy. Lose things.

If you're happy, wear pink. (Black is for depressed people.)

Had enough yet? We're only on Page 7.

There's a chapter all about Paris' hair, "My Crowning Glory," and of course a "Wardrobe Dos and Don'ts."

Her health and beauty secrets include Mystic Tan and fast food. "Don't be afraid to eat fast food as often as you can," Paris writes. "Always order the largest portion of French fries. Otherwise, you'll just want more." Later, while discussing what to do while flying, she recommends bringing your own fast food, "which makes everyone on board mad because it smells so good -- and they wish they had it!"

Do I even need to point out why Hilton and her "book" are so dangerous? In Paris' world, it's like Title IX and the 19th Amendment never even happened.

There are more photos than there is text in this ridiculous book (in fact -- this review might have more words than the book has) but, not to take the attention away from our star, there are no captions whatever.

We see Paris and Nicky and readers will be able to identify a bunch of celebrities, but where are they? When was it taken? Is it a birthday party, a movie premier, a Tuesday night excuse to put on an $18,000 outfit and drink champagne? (There are photos of Paris and other Hiltons with Liz Taylor, but unless you know that Taylor's first husband was Conrad "Nicky" Hilton, Paris' great-uncle, Liz will seem like nothing more than a Hilton hanger-on in the vein of Nicole Richie.)

Paris, the only reason to divulge your secrets is to help the rest of us be more like you, but if we don't even know where your were the night your wore that fuchsia vinyl dress, we're lost. This self-help book turns out to be no help at all!

Confessions of an Heiress

A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose

By Paris Hilton with Merle Ginsberg

Simon & Schuster, 178 pages, $22

Elizabth Barr is The News's Assistant Arts Editor.