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BUZZ

"It's a nice easy drive. Actually, it's a three-hour drive, but, well, you put the polkas on, and you keep driving." -- Mike Pasierb, host of Rockin' Polkas on WXRL 1300 AM, describing a trip to a polka festival

Almighty pain
The worst thing about "Bruce Almighty': It wasn't filmed here! The best thing about "Bruce Almighty': It wasn't filmed here! On the one hand, having our city panned so mean-spiritedly by absentee moviemakers is insulting, like being rejected by a guy who hasn't met you. It's as if Buffalo were put in as an afterthought. (Bruce refers to "57th and Commonwealth"; no one bothered to look up our street names.) On the other hand, had the movie been filmed here, Buffalonians would have jumped like a big slobbery St. Bernard all over the cast and crew and catered their filming sessions and loved them to death ... and then we would have watched just that first scene and been so hurt that we would have gone crazy rioting, looting and turning over police cars. All this isn't to say, of course, that at a Regal Elmwood showing last weekend, viewers didn't applaud. They did, politely. How very Buffalo.

Fuccillo almighty
Seeing that Jim Carrey, the star of "Bruce Almighty," didn't let his face be seen around Buffalo, the obvious question is: How do we get Billy Fuccillo, the car dealer, to adopt a similar philosophy? A couple of months ago, we had never heard of Fuccillo. Now, he's everywhere. One Metro Bus shows him stretched out the entire length of the bus. Another shows him on the bus' rear; his face is six feet tall. Buzz saw Fuccillo at Mother's Restaurant. We talked to him ... he's like public property, after all ... and he said he had his picture on 30 buses, though he couldn't tell us how many were in the whole fleet. "I try not to look at myself," he confessed. And if that's true, he'd probably give us a good price on our old Escort...

Public enemies
Those bars, those grills, and those coffee shops, they just want to be lowdown. The Central Park Grill, harking back to its rough days as outpost on the Pony Express, is displaying "Most Wanted'-style mug shots of politicians who failed to block the no-smoking law. "You wanted this!' a sign trumpets. And Bagel Brothers on Elmwood, which imagines itself an island of intellectual pursuits and displays pictures of Miles and Satchmo, has put in a trashy lottery machine. Heinous!

Hot doughnuts now

Alarming report of the week: The police blotter noted that a bandit robbed the Tim Horton's on Bailey Avenue and made off with the day's receipts, which were ... $5,000! Let's see, either no one had gone to the bank in about a year, or, if doughnuts are 50 cents each, they sold 10,000 that day. Who says Buffalo isn't the land of opportunity? Doughnut business, here we come!

The buzz

Memorial Day weekend, when the meteorologists lost all credibility, made us wonder why weather types never use a simple phrase: "I don't know." How come they never say: "Given current conditions, we just can't tell what will happen next"? Or they can quote the Magic 8 Ball and say, "Outlook hazy." ... Spotted on Elmwood Avenue, the Mercedes Benz SUV emblazoned with the logo of HardCore Tattoo. So much for counterculture. Sir, may we tattoo a dollar sign on your arm? ... The UB Symphony, trolling for new members, can get pretty brassy. A flier tacked up in UB's Baird Hall not only tells musicians to seek artistic fulfillment but commands: "Get a life."

e-mail: mkunz@buffnews.com

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