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PEOPLE TALK

New Year's Baby, age premature

A bit early, aren't you?

The early bird gets the worm, which I guess is good advice if you are a tequila drinker.

What's in that bottle?

Just a little something to help me with my colic.

Get rattled easily?

Rattled? Oh I get it, very funny. Is this your first interview?

Are those Depends you're wearing?

What did you expect, a catheter? Will this take long? I'm freezing.

Do you have somewhere else to be?

How about Florida? Aruba? Breast-feeding? Duh, I am the New Year's Baby, you know, with only 12 months to get a lot of things done. Have you seen my Palm Pilot?

What was your first word?

Ouch! That doctor's lucky I didn't smack him back. For crying out loud, I was just hanging out in the womb. Kickin' back, chillin'. Next thing I know I get the boot and I come out looking like a conehead. And then I get whacked on the butt! If I had to do it all over I would go with a C-section.

How is the world treating you so far?

Please don't get me started. How come they only give senior citizens the discount at Denny's? They are not the only ones that wear diapers, you know.

What's better than a dry diaper?

That's a rather personal question. Have you ever thought about therapy? Sounds like you have issues.

Does TV really affect young people the way everyone says?

How would I know? The only thing I'm allowed to watch are the Teletubbies. Personally, I think that pinhead Barney's an evil twit and Sesame Street is filled with a bunch of social misfits. I mean really, when are Bert or Ernie going to get a job? They should bring back some of those old radio dramas that Father Time is always going on about.

Is Avril lavigne the consumate older woman?

She is quite saucy. I can't wait until I learn how to skate.

Are you pro-life or pro-choice?

I hate "Life." I prefer Farina. I think people should be able to choose whatever cereal they want. Just cause Mikey likes it doesn't mean it's for everyone.

Lightning Round:

Strained carrots - Torture, I would rather eat ground glass. And you wonder why kids are troubled.

Car seats - Got any better ideas, Einstein? How about those baby on board signs, why don't you ask me about those? I have never seen a kid strapped to a 2x4. And I have looked.

Pampers - Very absorbent.

BabyGap - I prefer Armani.

- Jane Kwiatkowski