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Dear Ann Landers: I found this on the Internet and thought it was a hoot. I hope you will print it in time for Christmas.

-- Steve Online

Dear Steve: Although the Internet has attracted an amazing amount of garbage, it has also made a great deal of valuable information available to millions of people. Thanks for your charming contribution. Here it is:

This in from Brig. Gen. Bob Clements, USAF (ret). Please read.

To: All Retired Military Personnel

Subject: Official Command Visit

This office has been informed of an official visit by Gen. Santa Claus to this base on 25 December. The following directives will govern activities of personnel during this visit:

1. No creatures will stir without official permission. This will include all native mice. Special stirring permits will be obtained through the orderly room.

2. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours. Uniform for nap: pajamas, cotton, light drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose.

3. Personnel will utilize standard ration sugarplums to dance through their heads. This item may be picked up in the orderly room.

4. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires. Individual sections will submit stocking-hanging plans to Capt. Kringle by 0800 hours, 22 December.

5. At first sign of clatter from lawn, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open shutters and throw open window sashes.

6. Volunteers are needed to drive one sleigh, miniature, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of Gen. Claus. Driver must have current roof-top license.

7. Gen. Claus will enter all sections through chimneys. Sections without chimneys will draw a Chimney Simulator from Link Services for use during ceremonies. Requests must be submitted in triplicate prior to 20 December.

8. All personnel will be rehearsed in shouting "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night." This shout will be given upon termination of Gen. Claus' visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of all section chiefs.

Signed, Ebenezer Scrooge, Colonel, USAF, Commander

It bears repeating

Dear Ann Landers: I want to express my sympathy to "J.F. in Racine, Wis.," regarding his hearing loss. I have been going through this for many years. The people you think would be the most sympathetic (my family) seem to be the least tolerant. People outside the family tend to be understanding, and oddly enough, my family is very nice to strangers who have this same problem, but not to me.

My wife screams that I am driving her crazy, and my oldest daughter just makes fun of me. The other daughter says, "Nevermind," when I ask her to repeat something. The oldest son gives me a dirty look, goes in his room, and shuts the door. The other son is like his mother -- he just yells. When I sit at the dinner table, I might as well be eating next door. They ignore me, so I usually eat with the grandchildren. They don't seem to mind that I can't hear too well. When I ask them to repeat something, they do so graciously, and nobody gives me a dirty look.

Please print this letter. It will make me feel better.

-- Deaf in Chatsworth, Calif.
Dear Chatsworth: Here's your letter, and I hope it will generate some sympathy and understanding. You certainly have mine, because my hearing is also less than perfect, and I appreciate it when people don't mind repeating for my benefit.

Problems? Dump on Ann. Write her at The Buffalo News, P.O. Box 100, Buffalo, N.Y. 14240.

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