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We've had an interesting 1999 and hope you did as well. In January, we began to sight saucers flying up and down Ellicott Creek. They were bright green and we could see them easily from our bedroom windows. At times they swooped so low that we saw wee alien faces in the portholes. One night when the moon was full we caught a glimpse of Elvis waving!

Being good Republicans we informed our neighbors, the Amherst police, the FBI and the White House. No one seemed to believe us.

Our neighbors ran whenever we approached, the police set up a special "looney line" to take our calls and the last time we called Bill and Hillary, the Secret Service came to our front door. We invited them to come back that night so they could see Elvis with us, but they never showed up.

Summer arrived and we both came down with bad colds. The germs came from the Air Force planes that fly geometric formations directly above our house and leave toxic contrails in the air. We notified the Board of Health and filled out a form, but they never called us back. Attorney General Janet Reno's secretary put us on hold for five weeks and then disconnected the call. The colds went away but the planes are still up there.

In the fall, the government tried to fool us again by telling us that we needed "flu shots." Hah! We know that the CIA wants to inject us with teeny microprocessors so that the FBI can track every move we make. No way we fell for this!

Despite these setbacks, we've been busy getting ready for Dec. 31, Y2K and Armageddon. We began stockpiling canned food months ago and have already filled the attic, the basement and most of the bedrooms.

Pete was lucky enough to get on a secret survivalist mailing list. The booklet, titled "1,000 Uses for Recycled Urine," was expensive but worth every penny. Our $15,000 manure-powered generator is the talk of the neighborhood.

And finally, we gave up our membership in Handgun Control and joined the National Rifle Association. So far we've collected several high-powered rifles, a bunch of handguns, three flamethrowers and a large, autographed picture of Charlton Heston. The first Commie Lib who breaks into our house and tries to steal even one can of our beanie-weenies is going to get it right in the head.

So we're pretty well set, but are worried about you. As the meltdown approaches, keep these words of wisdom in mind: Trust no one. Be prepared. Duck and cover. And, above all, remember that Hillary's to blame for it all!

MANYA WARN lives in Williamsville.
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