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How to win friends and influence me:

Color me hopeful that I will hear from someone who has been contacted by a pollster. Or do the pollsters also consider Buffalo "the best-kept secret?"

Color me intrigued by the Philadelphia News editorial that greeted President Clinton's admission of a dalliance this way. It said, "It's hard to know which to do first: Scream or take a shower."

Color me confident that Monica Lewinsky didn't enjoy it when David Letterman commented on that party of the second part: "Monica looked beautiful. She had on this lovely blue dress with yellow crime-scene tape around her."

A favorite Republican joke has Hillary telling President Clinton he will go into the dog house in Buddy's place.

And what sort of news day was it when the naming of Buddy took precedence over other matters?

Say a prayer for our guys Over There.

Rate your friend an American history expert, Charley Yeager class, if she can give you the first name of the leader of Shay's Rebellion.

Color me puzzled by Jim (Entertainment Weekly) Mullen's report that Miss Teen-Age U.S.A. has contestants competing "in several categories: Pouting, Whining and Fussing With Hair."

Rate your friend a movie expert, Joan (birthday girl) Kane class, if she can name two actresses who were in "Red River."

Color me alarmed by Craig (Comedy Central) Kilborn's take on the cancellation of the Magic Johnson Show. "The writers will go back to their old jobs -- writing comedy."

Rate your friend a football expert, Fred Dentinger class, if he can name the first target of "The Immaculate Reception."

Consider this backwards joke submission from Ken Rummenie.

To be shown at a Sundance Film Festival, Robert Redford plays the owner of a petting zoo with animals so smart they can read. After he finds that children are being scratched by the animals' claws, he puts up a sign that tells the animals to smooth over the roughness on the trunks of trees.

The sign and the title of the movie reads, "Pare Foot in the Bark."

Hang tough.

Last week's trivia answers:

Franklin D. Roosevelt put the first air-conditioninginto the White House.

Al Landreville of Lockport and Wilbur Dunn of Newfane knew that.

Rose LaJudice and Eddie Sieracki of Buffalo, Judy Slowick of Lackawanna, Thomas Malamas and Dunn recalled that Jerry Seinfeld's address was 129 West 81st St., Apt. 5-A, New York, N.Y.

Ed Wangelis of Hamburg, Art Parks of Kenmore, Dunn, Malamas and Ms. Slowick knew that Clay Hopper was Jackie Robinson's manager in Montreal.

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