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WHY CLINTON KISSED THE BLARNEY STONE

How to win friends and influence me:

Color me intrigued by Bill Maher's report that on St. Patrick's Day, President Clinton admitted that he "kissed the Blarney Stone, but only to comfort it."

Color me fascinated by David Letterman's take on Kathleen Willey's appearance on "60 Minutes": "Oh, great! This means Clinton's cheating on Monica Lewinsky."

Color me surprised by the Weight Watchers official who decided it was in poor taste to run the Sarah Ferguson ad in which she noted that "dieting is harder than outrunning the paparazzi."

Say a prayer for our guys Over There.

Rate your friend an American history expert, Brian LaTulip class, if she can identify Wallace Hartley.

LaTulip is currently appearing in "Mr. Foot," the lunch-hour treat at the Irish Classical Theatre.

Color me confident that a certain TV show has arrived. In a recent monologue, Jay Leno observed that he went to a hockey game yesterday "and a Jerry Springer show broke out."

Rate your friend a movie expert, Mary Buerster class, if she can name the movie that supposedly inspired the word "paparazzi."

Mrs. Buerster advises that Chapter Commander Dorothy Benarczyk will present two POW/MIA flags to local New York State Veterans Affairs officials April 9.

Rate your friend a hockey expert, Mike Gilbert class, if he can name the first National Hockey League non-goalie to wear a helmet.

Color me skeptical of Harold Scofield's report that when Msgr. William Roche, grand marshal of the 1998 St. Patrick's Day parade, asked a fellow marcher how he'd feel if he weren't of Irish descent, he got the answer, "Ashamed."

Consider this backward joke submission from Ken Rummenie.

In an episode of "Touched by an Angel," the celestial visitor helps a destitute single mother of five by granting her a shopping spree at the Walden Galleria mall.

The title of the installment is "Heaven From Penney's."

Hang tough.

Last week's trivia answers:

Augustus Saint-Gaudens was born in Dublin, Ireland. Donald Astett of Alden, Agnes Morgan of Grand Island, Richard Wuertzer of Hamburg, Gary Breller, Tim Fox and John Stachowicz of Buffalo, Dan Bushley and Joseph Mancone of Cheektowaga, Art Parks of Kenmore, William Thomas of Clarence, Al Landreville of Lockport, Tony LaRusso of Angola and Wilbur Dunn of Newfane knew that.

Roger Herle of Amherst, Jeff Mortorano of Buffalo, Joan Thomas of Clarence, Dunn and Landreville recalled that Whoopi Goldberg was a talk show host who won an Oscar.

Mike Dugan of Kenmore, Murray Weingarten of Amherst, Carl Janish Sr. of Williamsville, Dunn, Landreville and LaRusso knew that Ron Blomberg was major league baseball's first designated hitter.

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