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How to win friends and influence me:

Color me intrigued by Cindy (New York Post) Adams' report that the message on one Hollywood answering machine says: "I am F. Lee Bailey. I'm out speaking to my witnesses, Marine to Marine."

They are saying out there that the Dream Team has done for lawyering what Godzilla did for downtown Tokyo.

Color me surprised if Jay Leno did not get heat for two recent comments. His take on Pat Buchanan's proposal to use the National Guard to patrol U.S. borders was, "We will have the safest borders in the world eight weekends a year."

Last week the NBC star said, "President Clinton doesn't mind those medical checkups. It's one of the few times he can be nude without being sued."

Color me intrigued by Dick ("Sports Reporters") Schaap's comment that if Mike Tyson embraces the Islamic religion, promoter Mr. King will probably change his name to Don X.

Few insiders believe the reports that Tyson has already written King out of his future. Indeed, one of those "in" dudes recently told me, "Tyson and King are still as close as Damon and Runyon."

Say a prayer for our guys Over There.

Rate your friend an American history expert, Norm Skulski class, if she can name the year a political party used the campaign motto, "Let's Get Another Deck."

Skulski and friends from the Pump Inn will host a "Salute to Al Jolson" pool tournament at Sharkey's Billiard Club on Saturday.

Vote the Honest Abe Award to Jerry Tubbs, the Texas Christian University basketball coach who was asked how he had lost a recruit to Utah and said, "We were over the salary cap."

Rate your friend a show business expert, Joey Giambra class, if she can name two TV series F. Lee Bailey hosted.

The versatile Giambra and the New Fantastics are currently appearing at the Saratoga on Delaware Avenue.

Consider this thought from the American Legion Magazine: "A perfect world: Prostates would shrink and wallets would bulge."

Rate your friend a golf expert, Jan Moritz class, if she can name the first woman to win a national golf tournament.

Consider this backward joke submission from Tom Donovan.

He tells of the time a flying saucer landed in Las Vegas and an occupant had a request to make of the first native he saw:

"Lead me to your taker."

Hang tough.

Last week's trivia answers:

Julia Gardiner Tyler is the lady who married a sitting president, John Tyler. Mike Selice of Lackawanna, Elvira Heath of Orchard Park, Agnes Morgan of Grand Island, Richard Wuertzer of Hamburg, James MacTarnaghan of Depew, Ange LaMartina, Michael Pachla and John Stachowicz of Buffalo, Tony LaRusso of Angola and Wilbur Dunn of Newfane knew that.

Martha Raye, God love her, was the first star to entertain our troops in Vietnam. Valerie Barrile of Amherst, Heath, LaMartina, LaRusso and Pachla recalled that.

Craig MacTavish is the only National Hockey League player to play without a helmet. Irv Atlas of Kenmore, Karl Troidl of Gowanda, June Mancone and Pat and Tom Gibbons of Cheektowaga, Caitlin Corrigan of Buffalo, Todd Hammeister of Tonawanda, LaMartina, LaRusso, Pachla and Stachowicz had that answer.

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