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BIG PAIN, BUT MAYBE BIG GAIN

How to win friends and influence me:

Color me intrigued by the question in the New York Post that asked readers, "Would you let yourself be caned for $1 million?"

Show business experts are saying that if Michael Fay is caned in Singapore, he will be offered more than $1 million for a book, movie rights and what-have-you.

Vote the Snappy Retort Award to David Letterman, who, when asked if Madonna would be on his show again, said, "Not unless we decide to start doing the show in Singapore."

Tell your friend that Buffalo is not the only city that gets the "two seasons" bash. The folks in Minneapolis and St. Paul are told, "There are only two seasons here -- winter and road work."

Say a prayer for our guys Over There.

Rate your friend an American history expert, Barbara Crocker class, if she can name the first colony/state to give women the right to vote.

Ms. Bauer advises that the Marcy Casino at Delaware Park is staging a Day in the Park '94, "a non-alcoholic day of family fun and entertainment" for the benefit of the Ronald McDonald House, on Saturday.

Spare me from jokers like the one who said, "The non-smokers are pressuring Congress to put out the flame on the JFK grave because it is secondhand smoke on federal property."

Rate your friend a movie expert, Ilene Roach class, if she can tell you how much Warren Beatty's character paid for the Los Angeles Rams in "Heaven Can Wait."

Ms. Roach reports that the Niagara Frontier Chord Authority Chapter of Harmony Inc. will host quartets from New York State, Ohio and northeast Canada in a competition at the Amherst Middle School on Friday.

Rate your friend a sports expert, Mary Wren class, if he can name a No. 1 football draftee who played major-league baseball for three teams but never played pro football.

Ms. Wren says the Executive Women International organization will hold an orientation meeting at the Sheraton Airport Hotel on Thursday night.

Consider this backward joke submission from Tom Donovan.

A prisoner in ancient Rome was sentenced to be hanged for being a confidence man. While he was waiting for the dread day, a breakout artist told him of a way to escape. But, he added, it involved a long jump and could bring another death sentence.

The con man shrugged and said, "I might as well be hanged for a leap as a sham."

Hang tough.

Last week's trivia answers:

Jeanette Rankin of Montana was the member of Congress who voted against U.S. entry into both world wars. Marilyn Reed of East Aurora, Ed Pierdy of Cheektowaga, Edward Wangelin of Hamburg, Jimmy O'Mara of Orchard Park, Dan Epter of Tonawanda, Ange LaMartina and John Stachowicz of Buffalo, Tony LaRusso of Angola and Wilbur Dunn of Angola knew that.

Marlon Brando did his own singing in the movie "Guys and Dolls."

Patricia Bennewitz of Kenmore, Carol Cantillon of Tonawanda, Joan Thomas of Clarence, John Luther of Buffalo, Dunn, Epter, LaRusso and Stachowicz had that answer.

Ron Brick of Snyder, Dunn, LaRusso and Stachowicz knew that Billie Jean King was the first female athlete to make $100,000 in a year.

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