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How to win friends and influence me:

Color me hopeful that during the Christmas season the TV cameras won't linger on the faces of people eating holiday dinners at missions.

Count me among those who believe that our government won't send troops into combat again until we are attacked. Before you disagree, think of all the tearful pictures you've seen of reservists saying goodbye as they go to a non-shooting situation.

Find a game plan for the media moguls and Morality in Media officials who know they are being manipulated by Madonna. She can't be ignored as she publicizes her latest music video on shows like "Nightline," on which she was a guest after the Giants-49ers game Monday.

Say a prayer for our guys Over There.

Consider this thought from Playboy magazine: "Social scientists predict that before long the Japanese will own so much of Manhattan that commuters going through the Lincoln Tunnel will be asked to leave their shoes in New Jersey."

Rate your friend a show business expert, Jean Mount class, if she can name Perry Como's first No. 1 record.

Enterprising local golf tournament sponsors, like the Palumbo brothers, should extend an invitation to their event while the avid golfer is performing at Shea's Buffalo on Saturday and Sunday.

Color me skeptical of the report that the people who did the actual singing for Milli Vanilli will start a group called "The Unsyncable Milli Brown."

Rate your friend an American history expert, Bill Shanahan class, if she can name the first American to say, "Millions for defense, but not one cent for tribute!"

Spare me from jokers like the one who said, "If you were to go to the Augustana Evangelical Lutheran Church on Sunday night, you would see a giant mural of a Swedish cowboy driving his stock holm."

What I could see there is the annual Santa Lucia pageant, which should intrigue anyone interested in ethnic matters and why a Swedish church honors an Italian folk heroine.

Rate your friend a football expert, Dan Garvey class, if he can name the first Heisman Trophy winner to play for a college team once coached by John Heisman.

Color me impressed by the number of people who say they won't feel the Christmas season is upon them until they see a certain backward joke here.

That number tells of the two Japanese asphalt moguls who were kidnapped by brigands one night. The next morning three men broke into their makeshift cell and took them to safety.

When one mogul asked the rescuers who they were, one of them said, "We are from the Interpol organization and we have a specialty."

Then all three sang, "We free kings of Orient tar."

Hang tough.

Last week's trivia answers:

Jerome Cowan played the prosecuting attorney in "Miracle on 34th Street."

Carol Martin of Depew, Elvera Heath of Orchard Park, Ray Bowman of Tonawanda, Marlene Simon of Kenmore, Thomas Malamas of Williamsville, Wilbur Dunn of Newfane, Michael Pachla of Buffalo and Tony LaRusso of Angola had the answer.

John Stachowicz of Buffalo and Malamas knew that John Sherman was the senator known as "The Ohio Icicle." He is responsible for the Sherman Anti-Trust Law.

Larry Kelley of Yale was the first collegian to win "the Heisman Trophy" and then receive an offer to play pro football. Jay Berwanger won the Downtown Athletic Club Award which became the Heisman trophy the next year.

LaRusso, Malamas and Stachowicz had right answers.

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