Timmy Who? A double-double what?
It’s easy to forget we practically live in Canada until the rest of the country wakes up one morning to discover one of its iconic burger joints is moving north to get hitched to a coffee chain named after a hockey player.
U.S. reporters scrambled across the border last week in an attempt to explain Timbits to the rest of America. Canadians, meanwhile, seemed equally unimpressed by the idea that a U.S. company would take over their beloved national coffee chain again.
Then Tim Hortons revealed a “Buffalo Crunch Donut” – complete with hot sauce and crushed up chips – at the New York State Fair, and the whole Tim Hortons thing really started to seem weird to the rest of America.
A writer for Gawker pronounced Canadians “food-confused.” A crew from MTV News sampled the Buffalo donuts, and a staffer seemed pleasantly surprised at just how much they tasted like Frank’s Red Hot sauce.
That’s just the kind of summer it’s been. Burger King is moving to Canada, and Canadians – sans American Jon Bon Jovi – want to buy the Buffalo Bills.
But perhaps the most perplexing fact for Americans was this: Canada – land of national health care – has a lower corporate tax rate than the U.S. A company can actually save money by merging with a counterpart up north.
What, exactly, are we doing wrong?
There was a time, say, 200 years ago, when Americans had an urge for more things Canadian. Back then, “upper Canada” was controlled by the British and was largely a land for American expats who didn’t feel like sticking around after the Revolutionary War.
We tried conquering Canada, but that didn’t really work out. Instead, we mostly worked on forgetting about the War of 1812. Unless, of course, it’s the bicentennial, but even after two years of commemorations and re-enactments, most Americans still seem hard-pressed to explain exactly what all that fighting was about.
We did get a rather poetic national anthem out of the conflict, but oh, Canada, yours is just so much easier to sing.
Little did we know that the Canadians would launch a stealth counter offensive and manage to infiltrate American culture centuries later through our love of hot coffee and absurd doughnut flavors.
Brilliant strategy, Canada, brilliant.
Throwing in the corporate tax curve was just the whipped cream on the iced capp.
Buffalonians were mesmerized by Timmy Ho’s long before Starbucks started hawking venti fraps around these parts. Labatt’s is a staple. We spend summer days at Crystal Beach and fly almost as many Canadian flags as our own. Some locals have even been known to sneak over the border for a quick dinner of Chinese food.
And, oh, the shoppers. Thank goodness for the Canadian shoppers.
Really, it’s not all that bad to have a few things Canadian around. If only we could figure out a fix for the long waits at the bridges and Tim’s drive thru lines.
So, Canada, you can have Burger King. We’ll just keep on enjoying the ridiculously hot Tim Hortons coffee. Someday, maybe the rest of America will catch on.
Just don’t steal our football team.