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Supporter needs a breather

Dear Miss Manners: I am a private person, but I have taken an unpopular public stand on a controversial issue. I speak to civic groups about the issue, sometimes participate in debates sponsored by such groups and write letters to the editor. Within my local area, I am well known for my stand on the subject.

However, I do not want to limit my associations to only those people who agree with me on this issue. I don't like to fight it all the time. Also, I have many other interests and go to many types of social gatherings.

Most of the time, I can avoid a confrontation by changing the subject or saying, "Hey, I'm on my time off now!" or words to that effect.

However, some people see me as a red flag and they are the bull. They just have to charge and keep charging. They feel they must tell me why I am so very wrong! I say that I prefer not to debate the issue, and I try to change the subject, but it doesn't always work.

Do you have some words I can use that are better than what I am currently using? Or should I be ready to defend my position to all people under all circumstances? Is there any way I can set some boundaries on this situation?

Gentle Reader: Try assuming an interested look, and without responding to the attack on your issue, say, "Tell me about your favorite cause. Besides this, what do you think is our most important question of the day?"

This doesn't just change the subject, if it works. It challenges such a person to show whether he has ideas of his own, or just goes around attacking others.

Miss Manners realizes there are risks. He could be tempted to say, "Stopping wrongheaded people like you," although personal insults at a party would only mark him as even ruder than the confrontation, which might be passed off as conversation. The real risk is that you will then attack his ideas, and it will be a draw. The way to win is to listen intently, say pleasantly, "Hmmm, interesting you should think that," and excuse yourself to get a drink.


Give the gift of advice

Dear Miss Manners: My daughter is soon to be married. What are the traditional gifts for a mother to give her daughter on her wedding day?

Gentle Reader: Motherly advice, and a gingerly kiss, taking care that the advice does not spoil her mood and the kiss does not spoil her makeup.

Miss Manners is given to understand that it may no longer be necessary for mothers to enlighten their daughters about what happens on the wedding night, but there is surely last-minute wisdom to impart. For example, "Watch out that Papa doesn't step on your dress."