Dear Carolyn: I have a group of friends from college, and we are quite close. One of them pursued a career while the rest of us balanced career and family ambitions. She was recently named to the board of directors for a major nonprofit that she has supported for a long time.
Last week, my husband and I were invited to a $100-per-plate benefit for her nonprofit. Since we would also have to purchase new clothes and a baby sitter, this event is a bit out of our reach at the moment. I RSVP'd no.
Yesterday, my friend told me she was hurt I wasn't attending and asked why. I told her it was simply too expensive. She was quiet for a moment, and then told me she attended wedding showers, my wedding, baby showers, three christenings and numerous birthday parties for my kids. She told me that after all that, it would mean a lot if we could attend a function for her.
I was floored by this. Is she "bean counting"? Also, isn't she still able to have all those events in her honor should she choose? Those costs were spread out; a $25 gift here and there is different from a $500 expense in one evening.
Attending this would not be impossible, but it would be very difficult. My husband thinks we should make a $200 donation and not attend the event. Is this a fair compromise?
-- Friend's Benefit
A. Yes, at a minimum. I suggest you do better, though: Apologize, then assure her you'll scrape up your pennies and go.
She's right, and your defensiveness says you know it. "Bean counting"? "A $25 gift here and there"? "We would also have to purchase new clothes"?
Holy excuses, Batman.
What your friend has rightly pointed out is that she waved your flag again and again -- and asked you to do the same for her exactly once. You begged off on an inconvenience. She's not scorekeeping, she's exposing your bias.
You and I both know you can arrange a baby-sitting swap with another family you know, or call in a favor. You can pull a Scarlett O'Hara and wear the curtains. That's what friends do when it's time to come through. They don't say, "If you find a husband, I'll buy you a vase."
Move up the weddings
Dear Carolyn: My mother has pancreatic cancer. They hope to start chemo soon but the prognosis is horrible. My sister and I are both planning weddings. I feel like they should be moved up to ASAP. I am fine with a simple church wedding and a hot dog/hamburger barbecue. Should I move it up?
A: The simple church wedding sounds warm and perfect. Do it now, before the illness and/or the chemo take over, so your mom can feel her best. Good wishes to you all.