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Stars cross over wobbly zodiac signs

Go figure, we lose a planet and gain a zodiac sign.

So our zodiac signs aren't what we thought they were. The earth's wobble means there is a 13th sign and that everyone's sign has to shift one spot to the left. It's like lining up for a Southwest flight -- everyone is sandwiched in line according to group and number ready to board, and then A13 shows up late.

If you were born between Nov. 29 and Dec. 17, you belong the new sign on the calendar called Ophiuchus. It sounds painful.

How many people are lying awake at night wondering how their lives might have been different if they had introduced themselves at a party years ago as a Capricorn instead of a Sagittarius. Thinking back, you realize it never did have the right ring. Too late now. You'll never know.

What all this also means is that the Age of Aquarius in the musical "Hair" was really the "Age of Pisces." Would that have changed anything -- other than losing two syllables and the rhythm to the song? Would the "Age of Pisces" have meant the cast would have put their clothes back on?

If Leo Tolstoy had been named after a zodiac sign his correct name would have been Cancer. "War and Peace" and "Anna Karenina" by Cancer Tolstoy. Who knows if his books would have done as well?

With the shift in signs, the Ford Taurus should now become the Ford Aries and the Isuzu Gemini should become the Isuzu Taurus. We'll let the unions work it out.

In the '80s and '90s, Ford made a European car named the Scorpio. It should have been a Libra. Libra isn't a very exciting name for a car, nothing at all like an arachnid with a venomous stinger. A Libra sounds like a car that would never dream of going off-road, runs on stale coffee and is overly polite at four-way stops.

I should know, I'm a Libra -- or was rather. I did enough reading as a teen to know that a Libra is actually divinely romantic. It gives you something to go on when you're 13 and without curves. And now it turns out I've been a Virgo all this time. I have gone from being romantic and "a diplomat prone to indecision" to being "sharp, organized and super critical."

Now instead of my horoscope (which I never read) saying, "You are likely to meet a stranger," it probably reads, "You are likely to meet a stranger and be highly critical of him."

The husband shifted over a sign as well. He became the old me, a Libra. Our signs were not compatible before we knew about the wobble and they are not compatible now. Thirty-two years of marriage and we still can't get the stars aligned.

There is one group that is not taking this news sitting down. They are the ones that had their zodiac sign tattooed on their, well, whatever.

They should have stuck with "Mom." She's good in any orbit.

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