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ANGRY OR ACCEPTING? CLIENT KNOWS BETTER THAN THE THERAPIST

Dear Ann Landers: I am the birth mother of an adult daughter who was born when I was a teen-ager. For many reasons, a closed adoption was the only viable solution for me. I believed I was giving my child the best life she could have, and did not feel conflicted or ambivalent about my decision. I went on with my life, and have lived "happily ever after."

Recently, I was contacted by an investigator who said my daughter wanted to meet me. I felt no desire to pursue the relationship, but was afraid that if I refused, the investigator would contact my parents, who are both in poor health. I didn't want them to be upset by this turn of events, so I met her. She turned out to be a very nice person, but I have no maternal feelings for her or her two young children. I believe her adoptive family is her real family and that my connection is biological only.

I have told very few people about this, but I did tell my female therapist, who insists that I am in denial about my maternal feelings and am angry that I was "found." I have searched my soul and do not agree with her. Perhaps most women would feel otherwise, but I want to know what you think.

-- Hunted Down in Texas
Dear Texas: With all due respect to your therapist, I disagree with her assessment. She has no right to tell you how you feel. You sound like a woman who has her head on straight, and I applaud your frank self-appraisal. Go ahead and live your life. I wish you all the best.

An exact definition

Dear Ann Landers: A long time ago, you printed an essay about grandmothers that I thought was delightful. Would you consider printing it again on Grandparents Day for those who missed it the first time?

-- A Faithful Reader in Houston
Dear Grandma: With pleasure. The essay you requested was written by a third-grader and appeared in the newsletter of the St. Andrews Society of Washington, D.C. It first appeared in my column in 1979. Here it is again. Thank you for asking.

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