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THE WORST OF THE WORST

These are the most disturbing trends of the fall fashion season:

Sheer tops/blouses made of very flimsy cotton or other gauzy fabric. Hello, does anyone go to work anymore? Where are all these see-through clothes being worn that they should be available like -- pardon us -- zucchini in July? And exactly what kind of undergarment is one supposed to wear under these?

Shoes that neither buckle nor tie. "You shouldn't have to zipper shoes," says one of our regular-woman models. "Zippers do not belong below the hips. Slip-ons, yes. T-strap, yes. Zippers, no."

Shoes of a size/weight comparable to a rib roast. We've seen clunky. We lived through clunky, in 1976. We know clunky. But this is ridiculous. A psychological analysis, please, on why women are being asked to wear such enormous shoes lately?

That neutral thing. Gray, taupe, slate, tan, beige, black, everywhere.

Pony-skin footwear with matching handbags. Noticeably absent is the word "faux" in front of "pony-skin," which leads to unfortunate mental images of what befalls the principal players in those county fair kiddie rides after the fair is over.
-- Lauri Githens

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