Here are some thoughts culled from "Teaching Tolerance: Raising Open-Minded, Empathetic Children" (Doubleday, $21.95), by Sara Bullard:
When your kids are being intolerant (name-calling, belittling or excluding someone, for instance), what should you do?
Step in calmly and say, "It's time to talk."
Say disagreements are al-lowed, but meanness is not.
Let each child have his say. Try to bypass who did what and get them to focus on their feelings.
Say: "It's OK to feel that way. I've felt that way, too. We can't use our feelings to hurt others. What else can we do when we feel this way?"
In the case of name-calling, ask the victim to describe how she felt. Then say, "It's not OK to say things like that."