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How to Win Friends and Influence Me:

Shed a tear for the college students who can't appreciate "It's a Wonderful Life." They just can't believe that a building and loan executive could face jail for losing a mere $8,000 as George Bailey did in that movie.

Spare me from jokers like the one who called to say, "Check the report that Jim Kelly never uses the Bills locker room but changes clothes in a phone booth."

After the Miami game the same character was saying that the Jim Kelly Fan Club was meeting in a phone booth in Orchard Park.

Color me skeptical of the report that when Dan Quayle first met Mikhail Gorbachev, he asked, "How long have you had that birthmark?"

Say a prayer for our guys Over There.

Color me intrigued by Johnny Carson's declaration that there was a Milli Vanilli lip sync deal involved with Roseanne Barr's singing of the national anthem. Carson says the actual sound was provided by a goat who was being neutered.

Rate your friend a movie expert, Barbara Baker class, if she can name the actor whose voice was heard giving instructions to Clarence Oddbody at the beginning of "It's a Wonderful Life."

Consider this number from Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka: "What's the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sportswriter? In 6 weeks the puppy stops whining."

That causes one to wonder what Ditka would be doing today if some sportswriter back in his native Pennsylvania hadn't helped build up local football.

Rate your friend an American history expert, Bud Millane class, if she can name the president who was elected to office and then denied his party's renomination.

Vote the Grump Award to the visitor to the University Club who said, "The local productions of 'A Christmas Carol' all omit the fact that Scrooge was once married. I didn't know he had been until I met my mother-in-law.' "

Be assured that there is no truth to the rumor that an updated local version of the tale will have Scrooge attending an Up Downtown Christmas party.

Committee members Susan Hayden and Joy Testa say that members and guests are being asked to bring a can of food to the 1990 event which will be staged at the Buffalo Convention Center Friday.

Rate your friend a football expert, Bill Nunz class, if he can name the team that has drafted the most Heisman Trophy winners since the two football leagues merged.

Consider this backward joke submission from John Morissey:

He tells of a Hollywood plastic surgeon named Rudolph who was approached by one of the Gabor sisters right after they came to America. He showed the newcomer, who was interested in a new proboscis, color pictures of Ella Raines and Bette Davis and asked what style she preferred.

Without hesitating the star said, "Rudolph, the red Raines nose, dear."

Hang tough.

Last week's trivia answers:

Kathy Judson of Williamsville, Marlene Simon of Kenmore and Wilbur Dunn of Newfane recalled that Perry Como's first Number 1 record was "Till the End of Time."

Although Charles G. Pinckney is credited with the declaration, it was Congressman Robert Gooodloe Harper of South Carolina who first said, "millions for defense but not one cent for tribute."

Edward Bingert of West Seneca, Thomas Malamas of Williamsville and Harold Potter of Springville had the right answer.

Pat Sullivan of Auburn was the first Heisman Trophy winner to play for a college team once coached by John Heisman.

Joe Wouk of Williamsville, John Stachowicz of Buffalo, Dunn and Malamas knew that.

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