How to Win Friends and Influence Me:
Tell me if you have met anyone who was not pleased by the Chicago grand jury's vote against indictment of the father who pulled the plug on his son.
Consider this definition of home cooking. "Where Mrs. Bush wished the Mitterands were last week."
Count me among those who weren't surprised to hear that Michael Jordan's performance in the NBA playoffs has revived the number that said, "No one has moved that quickly in Chicago since the late Mayor Daley asked an alderman to get him a cup of coffee."
Say a prayer for our guys Over There.
Color me intrigued by the TV Guide report that some respondents to a newspaper poll voted for Candice Bergen's fictional character "Murphy Brown" to be Diane Sawyer's replacement on "60 Minutes."
Rate your friend a movie expert, Elvina Metz class, if she can name the late movie star whose son portrayed him in "Day of the Locust."
Color me confident that the Exxon people won't like the following item from People magazine: "Exxon Joke of the Week. How many Exxon employees does it take to drive a tanker? One and a fifth."
Rate your friend a baseball expert, Bob Rathbun class, if he can name the last man to hit more than 50 home runs in one season and yet not win his league's home run championship.
Spare me from characters like the joker who called to ask, "What would you get if you spilled molasses into your golf bag?" Answer is "Icky Woods."
That call did remind me that the first annual Polly -- O 65 Roses Celebrity Golf Tournament, chaired by Pete Metzelaars of the Bills, will be staged at the South Shore Country Club Thursday.
Rate your friend an American history expert, Pam Broncato class, if she can name two presidents who were unmarried during their time in the White House.
Consider this backwards joke submission from Jilly the Jester. He tells of the time Lee Iacocca was in charge of the celebration involving the Statue of Liberty and people in France collected funds to help the cause.
When approached for a donation, one French tycoon who was angry with the Chrysler chairman snorted, "Damn Lee. I don't give a franc."
Last Week's Trivia Answers
Jack Lemmon played Hildy Johnson, a Chicago newspaper reporter in "The Front Page," a movie based on the play written in the 1930s by Ben Hecht and Charles MacArthur. In 1940 Rosalind Russell played Hildy Johnson in a version of "The Front Page" called "His Girl Friday."
Hildy's boss was Walter Burns and his employer was a Chicago newspaper. So either answer was accepted.
Joan Thomas of Clarence, Ray Anselmi of South Buffalo, Dan Epter of Tonawanda, Rose LaJudice and Harry Galperin of Buffalo had right answers.
The player who retired with 868 home runs to his credit was Sadarahu Oh, the fabled Japanese slugger.
Eddie Stack of South Buffalo, Dave Nowak of Cheektowaga, Richard Studd of Salamanca and Tony LaRusso of Angola were not fooled by that tricky question.
James Madison Randolph, who was Thomas Jefferson's grandson, was the first infant born in the White House.
Leo Leavers of Snyder, Ruth Studd of Salamanca, LaRusso and Nowak knew that.